Avoiding Being a Victim of Abuse

by Aramock Nanuck

     April 2004

This may appear as a strange topic for a lifestyle that has Pain and Punishment as one of its main cornerstones, but it is fundamental to know the differences between consensual play and abuse.  The difference is well explained in that the elements of activities that have those acts in them are CONSENSUAL (mutually agreed to) and done in a SAFE and SANE manner. There are those who wish the extreme end of the experiences and for those this may not apply. But for those who wish to have a sense of security, then this is your guide.

Warning Signs

Says they have trained dozens or hundreds of submissives in the past but will not provide references.


Seems to exaggerate their experiences or claim they are experts in everything.


Claim to be worldly but are shocked by or overreact to suggestions which appear at the various ends of the spectrum.


Does not let you interact with others in the lifestyle community, dominants or other submissive individuals, etc. Frequently they simply refuse to participate in munches and gatherings.


May want you never to leave their home or abode, any social contact with "vanilla" people.


Never provides you an exit strategy.

Healthy Signs

Has a broad range of relationships, from vanilla, social and lifestyle which can fluidly be balanced and allows you to interact at all of these levels within guidelines set for the practical and reasonable situations.


Does not lie about partners and can provide your contact information if you ask for people of various types (dominants, submissives,  slaves or even "vanilla servants") which will give references.


An individual who clearly states their limits and subjects which they are not interested in or the items where their experiences are lacking.  This may not so much be a matter of experience as much as their preferences, "Your kink is not My Kink, but it is Okay" attitudes.


Can clear demonstrate experience before any scene to give your comfort and will not press to the scene if you are unsure or not interested.