BDSM Psychology - 201

by Aramock Nanuck

     November 2010

Dominance is an Exercise in Self-Control

One of the exciting things about the world is that power exchange is everywhere.  Polite society does not usually talk about this dynamic explicitly; it is one of the great lies told to deny it exists. Personal trainers, coaches, classroom teachers, and bosses all take on dominant roles, and with this, assume a level of control over specific aspects of the subject’s life.


The actual worse part is that many times submissives must pay for the privilege of being controlled and dominated without ever recognizing it. It is natural to have a dominant person focus on the ideal on a subject's behalf and shaping them to be a better athlete, team player, public speaker, salesperson or just fit their ideal of the perfect employee. The most subtle form of domination and dehumanization is the transition of an individual into becoming an object to represent that person’s ideal. It is extremely effective without the aid of a true dominant as many people are too weak to push themselves to be better.


In the first section on psychology, we examined some of the skills and behaviours to make a submissive more valuable to a potential dominant. The effect is no different from that with a trainer or employer. The happier they are with the individual’s performance, the relationship requires that control is never entirely relinquished, even if giving more flexibility.

The difference is that the guidelines usually are quite clear.  In extreme cases, they will continue to push the subject beyond the limits of their self-belief to make them realize the true potential within them.  It often costs money to have someone a submissive does not know coerce them into doing things. Yet, in the vanilla world, we do the same with personal trainers, speech coaches and the like. Herein lays the great lie that polite society poses to us:

  • Are the lifestyle and vanilla training any different within a general context?

  • How is this different from a lifestyle dominant in training their submissive?

  • Is it not more dishonest to pretend that there is a choice made and a voluntary acceptance of the conditions?

  • Is this not the same as consensual service?

  • Where now is the moral justification for calling one activity "correct" and another "deviant"? 



Taken from years of real-time experience, one must back away from online substitution and move past it to a physical approach to development. It is essential to get one's inner psychotic under control and put aside the key elements of self-loathing, usually accompanying self-training.  Training an individual within their limits requires a form of discipline few can rise to except for religious zealots and political fanatics.  Self-Training is probably the closest one can get to structured living without the help of someone to guide. Like, a few books are available to guide a submissive through their growth without the presence of a dominant partner. 


The first aspect is CONTROL.  Now the lack of someone to enforce the control means that they will have to enforce them. IT is hard, probably hardest on anyone with an obsessive nature or disorders relating to control (obesity, unrestrained masturbation, alcoholics, drug users, etc.).  Establishing control is essentially the first thing to realize that control is about structure and reason, not about a NEGATIVE form of behavioural modification. Self-control has two key aspects: once realizing why they do things, and the second measuring them in real and honest terms. The trigger for an activity (compulsive eating) is usually a reaction to something and self-reward when feeling low or deprived. Frequently, a slave may not deserve the reward, and this is where a clear and honest assessment becomes critical. Conversely, anorexics deprive themselves simply because they have an inherent sense of low worth.  So the trigger to the action is the key first to know why we do things.


Hence we need to list all of the attributes of behaviours that we know are not in our best interests. When self-control is used wisely and with common sense, it becomes one of the most important tools for self-improvement and success.


Control vs Training

Self-control is vital for overcoming obsessions, fears, addictions, and any unsuitable behaviour. It puts them in control of their life, behaviour, and reactions. It improves a subject’s relationships, develops patience and tolerance, and is an important tool for attaining success and happiness. Self-control helps anyone by:

  • Allowing taking charge of their future and life's direction.

  • Contributing to peace of mind.

  • Eliminating feeling helplessness

  • Enabling the control over radical swings in moods

  • Giving a sense of mastery and balance into their lives.

  • Keeping in check self-destructive, addictive, obsessive and compulsive behaviour.

  • Keeping over-emotional responses in check or moderation.

  • Manifesting mental and emotional detachment

  • Promoting a responsible and trustworthy human being.

  • Rejecting negative feelings, doubts and thoughts.

  • Removing an overdependence on others.

  • Strengthening self-esteem, confidence, inner strength, self-mastery and willpower.


Obstacles to Self-Control:
  • Believing that self-control eliminates fun.

  • Considering self-control as a limiting and unpleasant activity.

  • Lack of discipline and willpower.

  • Lack of faith in oneself and abilities.

  • Lack of knowledge and understanding of what constitutes self-control.

  • Lack of the desire to change.

  • Lack of the desire to improve.

  • Lack of willpower.

  • Reacting to outside stimuli without thinking first.

  • Strong and uncontrolled emotional responses.


Developing Self-Control

First, the individual needs to identify what areas of their life need to gain more self-control. Where is the subject lacking in self-control?  Possible areas could be:

  •  Eating

  •  Shopping

  •  Drinking

  •  Work

  •  Gambling

  •  Smoking

  •  Obsessive Behaviour


Secondly, try identifying the emotions that are the source of one's lack of control, select only the ones that cause such intensity of the reaction to breaking one's self-control, such as:

  • Anger,

  • Dissatisfaction,

  • Unhappiness,

  • Resentment,

  • Pleasure or

  • Fear.


Thirdly, identify the thoughts and beliefs that push the individual to behave in an uncontrolled manner.


Fourth, several times a day, especially when they need to display self-control, repeat for a minute or two one of the following affirmations, say "I ...":

  • I am fully in control of myself.

  • I am the master of my future and life's direction.

  • Gaining control of my emotions.

  • Have the power to choose my emotions and thoughts.

  • Improve daily my ability to control my feelings and thoughts.

  • In charge of my behaviour.

  • In control of my reactions.

  • Inner strength to lead me to success.


Please take one of the instances where they usually act with a lack of control and visualize that they act calmly and self-mastery. They then must visualize themselves acting with self-control and self-restraint. The individual’s self-control will improve considerably if they develop and strengthen their willpower and self-discipline through appropriate exercises. This is the most important step for developing self-control.


By developing and strengthening their willpower and self-discipline, they develop and strengthen their self-control. Click here for a powerful training program with full information, advice, instructions, and exercises to gain inner strength and self-control.  The most effective dominants are actually mentors and focus on the growth of the individual rather than their own self-gain.


Self-Control Coalescing

Way back at the beginning, we talked about these reasons, purposes, and goals for training. But now that we have talked about it and the individuals are looking at the list, This may leave some wondering how to apply what we’ve talked about to some of these items. How apply to oneself a reward or punishment to something as abstract as “household management”?

An individual needs to drill down from the larger skill set to individual, observable, trainable behaviours. So breaking down household management that might include supervision of others, maintenance and cleaning, time management, and other things.


Then we take one of those, Time Management, and we break that down into individual components and so on until we find something trainable.


A good example is that I have a terrible habit of not adding things to my schedule and therefore not planning my time effectively. So a dom of mine might establish a rule that says that any obligations or plans have to be reflected on my calendar. There might be a variable interval schedule where my calendar is occasionally audited for accuracy, and punishments and rewards are given accordingly. It could also be a ratio situation where she counts the number of times I am informed about a scheduled event and doesn’t immediately add it to the calendar.


Another on the list is sexual services. Drill down on that one and then decide to focus this area for training on the male subs stamina during sex to discourage early climax and encourage the physical endurance to perform for a certain length of time, or as long as necessary. A dominant could use classical conditioning to build associations that either trigger or delay an orgasm. You could use positive punishment to respond to failures. But you could also use negative reinforcement on a fixed ratio system. The chastity belt comes off, and you are allowed to orgasm only after the submissive has given the dominant a set number of orgasms.


I could keep going, but I think you have the idea. You deconstruct something down to a trainable behaviour and then determine what type of conditioning will be effective and what schedule.


Final Thoughts

And here, I will be a bit blunt. This isn’t a game. This is serious shit. Psychological conditioning will have a long-term impact on people. On the one hand, as I said, people are doing it to each other every minute of every day. It’s a huge part of how you came to be, how your personality was originally established. But when you engage in a program of targeted and intentional manipulation of this magnitude, you are taking on the full responsibility of their psychological well-being until the moment that one of you dies or until you put them back the way you found them. If you train them to cum only at the sound of your voice, then you are responsible for fixing that shit when you break up or at least helping someone else do so. Because if you send them off on their own to try and have their next relationship and you have taken away their ability to experience pleasure, then you are the highest degree of an asshole possible.