A Thinker's Guide to BDSM
Domination is Not Democracy
Top down is always the flow of information, instruction, and direction. There are cases where bottom-up occur, but we shall deal with this phenomenon (Topping from the Bottom) in another article. The last thing this lifestyle would be is egalitarian and democratic.
Negotiations happen at the beginning to define the terms of reference, but once established form the boundaries within which a dominant would function. Typically it is common to hear "If I want you to have an opinion, I'll give it to you." The exception to this is in either casual play or the inclusion of safe words.
Domination versus Mentoring
Alas, many dominants, as a result, are poor models in relating to being a mentor; as this aspect forces the opinion of the submissive to matter. A mentor is in effect a teacher and guide, but they do so also within the constraints of a “traveler’s expected journey. It is sad this is not as obvious as it should be for there can be real joy in weaving through the jumble and the noise to figure the perceptions and desires of one’s protégé’... a challenge yes but it should not one that scares a skilled dominant off.
Confusion is Natural
Emotions, intention, and confusion are as natural particularly for those who are unsure or unaware of themselves. The direction taken exposes many risks and the more intellect one has, the more this plays in the back of their mind. Only people completely naive or uneducated have no concept of the risks they may be placing themselves I as they venture into this lifestyle.
Irreverence is Healthy
So it is equally important at times not to be overly serious or worried and to laugh a little at yourself, at others (partners or not) and at the seriousness we all sometimes place on the things that make up this existence; this is so important for a healthy mind. We should not need to flame an ego with the falsettos of flattery or ritualistic responses. The one thing about this lifestyle it is not for the shy, (many enter it are shy, to begin with) but as we extend to a community, we need to shed the self-consciousness of a private person.
Focusing on the Person, not the Biases
It is easy for many to overlook the (particularly when looking at ourselves) latent submissive or dominant tendencies or personalities and attribute it to other factors. Many times the filter placed by the personal bias which heightens the misinterpretation of the emphasis of a person. When we shed our personal bias, then the tendencies are clearly visible. We should never ignore the value of clarifying our understandings between the individual; clarifying the needs and desires of each other through honest, private and meaningful communications. The exchange of information will result in insights into the reasons for being and the questioning who we are and roles we fulfill. As people make these furtive steps, then expect that life in a vanilla world will leave them to feel like something is missing.
Being Submissive and Respected
The choice a person makes to surrender their freedom and become a slave require an avenue escape back to the life. A person only remains a slave, while they can arrest their pride, prejudices, and desires to leave an otherwise meaningless vanilla existence behind.
Cherish and Value Submission
Real dominants do not devalue their "property," but cherishes and like a craftsman maintains their tools, sharp, oiled and in perfect condition. So if you are to have a serious dominant to guide you let me know. If you want to experience fetish event as my guest and not a slave, then the safety I offer you shelter. And of course, this was still a safe place to raise your questions in any language.