Why Choose this Lifestyle

There are vast numbers of articles that hold in high esteem some member (both supplicants and dominants)  in a social context. Why and what the admiration occurs is the based on answers to many essential questions?

What is Vanilla

I think that we must first explain the term vanilla. Vanilla is not the absence of flavor but a flavor in and of itself. Lifestyle people do not refer to non-members as "normal" occurs simply because this indicates that members of the lifestyle are abnormal. Instead of looking at it as flavors, we take on the same aspects of several other lifestyle choices:


  • LBG community, in that you have "heterosexual," and "rainbow" communities. Since up until recently and still in many cases the LBG community was considered fetishist, they are one aspect of our lifestyle which has degrees of involvement as well.

  • Cross-racial boundaries have usually been something of a trial in large homogenous (the single strain of likeness) because mixed pairing still is harshly criticized in many groups.  These variations introduce a new flavor to groups that traditionally do no pair outside of their race, religion or social context.

  • These trends combine with BDSM to form things like “racial supremacy” play, role-playing to challenge acceptable religious stereotypes, etc.  Again, all flavors of existence. 

  • So, a vanilla person is large ones who are bound by social, racial and cultural convention to what is consider unaltered;  whereas the rest of us live an “ALTERNATIVE” lifestyle.

Strong Sub-Cultures

Today many of these differences are in general ignored by the casual members of the lifestyle and only Goreans and Pharaonic ritualists are immersed in the lifestyle that significantly differentiates their model of activities. 

Starting the Journey

Individuals usually begin this journey on whichever side of the coin (dominant or supplicant) as a matter of curiosity.  Once started efforts yield to define specific interests and desires. Then they begin to explore. Further, it is very much like doing a sociology or anthropology course and then the depth you cause to explore in more real and intimate ways.


Over time many but it is important to realize that NOT ALL make the plunge into the lifestyle.  To some individuals the constraints of society, family, religion or culture do not allow them the transition. Typically, these people focus on other things like (commercial or political) success that their sense of balance becomes unimportant. Other times it is the chase of for power, or merely to allow for continued stability in an otherwise challenging world. But again, it is not our place to judge them, only to acknowledge that they exist.


Cautious Involvement

Those that do venture into the lifestyle for whatever reason tend to progress very rapidly from a newbie to someone with some experience. Their desire to explore extends from one aspect to more and more, eventually becoming eclectic. Many times, progression tears headlong until they reach a limit they will not cross. Other times it is like dipping your toes in a cold lake; the desire to swim battles with the cold and it takes tortuously long to decide, get out or go to the deep end of the pool.  Frequently as others explore alternative activities, they are compelled to compromise to have partners to share experiences. However, they remain genuinely watchful for the opportunities whenever they arise to enjoy those activities most desired truly. Finally, there are other activities that they avoid entirely.  The difference though is with the individual and so as their appetites grow and change so does their involvement with the lifestyle. 

Impact of Dominants

Many dominants have an overly analytic nature which at times can be disturbing to submissives and "vanilla" folks as well.  They invest heavily on an intellectual and emotional (if not romantic) basis in a real effort to understand the submissive they are interacting. The lack of focus in a submissive’s self-evaluation demonstrates when they have too many other interests and distractions in their life to be serious about this lifestyle …yet. 

The dominant helps the submissive to find the focus on the main reason for their interest. Many dominants spend vast amounts of time thinking on that and even at times chronicling observations. The jumble of messages and ideas from a submissive need to be evaluated, interpreted and then assess the known or observed subconscious motivations which then emerges.  If individuals want to be successful as dominants, they will fundamentally help the submissive to be honest with themselves.

Many times, dominants take rambling and bluntness as a defense mechanism intended to unbalance people, so they are less apt to focus. A lack of focus usually becomes an unfortunate habit with very self-conscious or confused individuals. Dealing with unsure individuals requires patience to allow the undisciplined to work through their discomfort and find their center.  Defensive anger, harsh language, and push back are all similar defense mechanisms used by people who are unsure of their place. This lack of centering reoccurs in those who are uncomfortable in their role. These all are warning signs that the person is unclear as to why they are participating in the activities in which they are engaged.

The Struggle to Submit

Several individuals struggle with the thought of submitting, reluctant to acknowledge part of them self that does wish to submit. This struggle becomes down frightening for anyone with healthy parochial or conservative upbringing when extending to a sexual context. They become unsure as to how much and the specifics of such a thing; if it is even possible to trust sufficiently in the end to accept it. Some other stray detail individuals cannot recognize it is there whether this directly stems from:


  • Just having someone else make the decisions, 

  • A lack of trust, 

  • A failure to understand, 

  • A people-pleaser attitude or 


This cycle continues until the comfort level reaches or exceed the needed level, These individuals remain on the fence over making those decisions that are necessary to enable their self-discovery.


Social commentary and published “correct thinking” today tends to be “politically correct”, egalitarian and democratic; not exactly what is found in this lifestyle. This is certainly not which most dominants would espouse. Typically, you will find it common to hear them say "If I want you to have an opinion, I'll give it to you".  This harsh approach is usually reserved for those who play this lifestyle rather than live it.  It is valid to a certain point to make this lifestyle work there must be an autocratic point to it to make the control work.  This is not the case however when someone is first entering the lifestyle.

The Change Mechanism

Supplicants become submissive solely when their fears are arrested, or the choices they have left are so bad that submission is the best of a bad situation.  This is different for the transition from submissive to the consensual slave, but we will address this in a later article. The other potential is the transition from supplicant to slave. While this one is extremely rare indeed it does occur.  The 20 odd dominants I have interacted with over the past 40 years have seen this a mere handful of times. It was always driven solely because the submissive who felt they had no choice in each case. Every time some had a choice; they either were a fraud attempting to swindle someone or they made the less definitive transition to a submissive.

Mixing Kink (Sex) with Submission

Sex and submission can blend together, but really is a very large step particularly for a newbie.  The lifestyle is such a broad arena that typical people begin either in a focused area (i.e.: Bondage, Discipline, Protocol, or Kinky sex) and allow those experiences to mature until making steps to other activities. Taking the taking the submission outside the specific activity to a broader context requires absolute trust, plus something else; a more emotional bonding between the participants.  This extension significantly adds to the confusion and doubts held by many.  The submissive needs find someone to trust to make possible the commitment while ensuring they will be safe and protected.

Trust is the Foundation

The anxiety felt is completely in line with the rationalizations and struggling one makes entering the lifestyle. The steps into true submission and the lifestyle require total trust knowing that the danger and fears felt are solely imagined. This combines with a series of experiences which are safe and sane help with the final thrust into the deep end of the pool and lifestyle.
No one’s acts of discovery await a schedule but are one of its own makings.  Those who delay continuing to discover awake 30 years from now saying "Damn I never tried that" and somehow feel the loss of an incomplete life.  Now this discovery phase may well lead into, through and back out of the lifestyle in short order or may find an individual settling comfortably somewhere along the way.  Even if people do not remain in the life, they have discovered for themselves what about it held meaning and avoided the later regrets.

A Safe Entry Point

So, if you are discovering then do go to munches. These sorts of events give you the exposure to the lifestyle by the weird and wonderful sometimes sane, sometimes not and those who practice it somewhere in between. The one thing is a munch is safe for an independent as it is almost always a public (so to speak) setting.


The fundamental reason people of note rise in a community is that they tend by talent snag communications opportunities which can cross boundaries and form a resonance with other communities. They become non-threatening examples of ALTERNATIVE styles that the mainstream society can accept, or even acknowledge.  Effectively these people are the people who change the underlying views of others in the most meaningful and tangible ways.


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