D/s Dymanics in Public

by Aramock Nanuck

August 2024

Erring on the side of caution, following the "Safe, Sane and Consensual" mantra, is essential to a strong, continuously beneficial lifestyle relationship. Being subtle and respectful of those around you while still reinforcing the special connection between Dom and sub or slave. The subtle techniques required to maintain a Dom/sub dynamic in public are discreet. The following ideas offer ways to stay connected and keep the dynamic alive and kinky, no matter where you are.

Bringing the Dom/sub Dynamic into Public Spaces

Many fetishists only play at a fetish lifestyle, and they tend to keep it behind closed doors. However, those who live it 24/7 need to interact with the outside (vanilla) world on a regular basis; therefore, maintaining the lifestyle in public is essential to the continued sense of control and authority. Even so, it is necessary not to disturb the public peace on these occasions, particularly in areas where children may be present.

Code Words

Words or phrases and pet names that appear innocuous in public but have clear meanings between the Dom and slave keep the dynamic alive in any conversation.

Dining Rituals

Ordering and eating meals, drinks or treats in public venues offer opportunities to reinforce the dynamic by:

The Dom orders for the sub at restaurants
The sub serves the Dom's food at gatherings
The sub waits for the Dom to start eating before beginning their meals.

Gestures and Looks

Subtle physical cues can communicate volumes while going unnoticed by others:

A dominant can raise an eyebrow to inform the sub of his disapproval.
A quick pinch under the table
The Dom's hand on the back of the sub's neck
The Dom tipping and touching his brow to instruct the sub to be quiet.
And other mutually agreed-upon meaningful looks.

Hand Signals

Discreet communication in public is essential; hand signals make this easy and inoffensive in public. Using the same hand signals as in training dogs is an ideal choice, but these tend to be ones many vanilla individuals are already familiar with in public. The display of hand gestures or subtle hand squeezes allows instructions to be established without requiring explicit understanding of their meaning. Establishing agreed and different patterns may mean different things – some kinky, some sweet, while appearing normal to others.

Keeping Score

Any small action, protocol, or activity failure is recorded in a prearranged and straightforward manner. A slave must keep a tally of their "misbehaviours" throughout the event. This increases attention to detail throughout the event, making the whole experience more exciting as the slave anticipates what comes next. Some examples that can earn a spanking are:

Putting an elbow on the table at a dinner party,
Speaking first rather than waiting to be spoken to,
Looking a free person or Dominante in the eye
Not answering a question sufficiently quickly when asked by a Dom.

Wearables

The use of clothing and objects worn in public serves as a tangible reminder of the roles each plays. This aligns with some of the mild forms of humiliation discussed in another article. Those who are fetish-attuned will recognize some, while others will be oblivious to them. Things that reinforce roles are:

Ben wa balls
Butterfly vibrators, Butt Plugs (especially remote-controlled ones)
Chastity devices
Clamps
Collars, which could be construed as Gothic or simple jewelry, are a good choice.
Going commando
Other options include bracelets, anklets, rings, and keychains, and they can be adorned with triskelions and slave master insignia.
Shibari rope harnesses
Writing on the slave's body under their clothes with a Sharpie pen

Stances

How the Dom and slave position themselves in public to reinforce roles:

The sub walks
- On the inside of the sidewalk for safety
- Slightly behind their Dom by a step or two
The Dom holds the sub's hand behind their back when side by side.
At gatherings, the sub sits on the floor while the Dom takes a chair.