Dark Castle - Sin 
BDSM Canada & Training

by Aramock Nanuck

     March 2011

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Frequently, outsiders (vanilla folks) wonder and sometimes question their sanity when it comes to this lifestyle. Some individuals seek ways to offset the challenges put forward by their neo-puritanical ideals. The ultra-conservatives do not realize that they are in and of themselves a subculture and not truly any more normal than the lifestyle members. Here, we will delve into the psychological reasoning of those who are active in this lifestyle.

 

Honesty About Why

Individuals are going to experiment; everyone who is honest about it does.  It would be best if you had honesty and advice, not the hypocritical demands of people who have some fanciful idea of how others should live their lives. As this happens, we seek a psychological explanation for:

• Why do we become attracted to activities or aspects of the lifestyle?

• Why do we assume personality traits that are dominant or submissive?

• Why, once involved, find it increasingly difficult to return to a “socially conventional” lifestyle or relationship?

 

External Influences

Reading steamy novels, watching edgy movies, or even Japanese Anime with less-than-subtle undertones, or simply immersing oneself in many of the classics, can all have a much more powerful effect on people than they think.

 

Curiosity and Excitement

The result is curiosity, which leads people to explore or look for specific subjects which resonate within them. The cause is rare porn; more often, the porn selected becomes a way of visualizing the situations derived from other sources. When dealing with younger people whose exposure to life can be somewhat sheltered, curiosity plays a big factor in their self-discovery. Many derive pleasure from forbidden acts and engage in a naughty indulgence.

 

Curiosity becomes Fantasy

The curiosity soon gives way to dreams that allow a person to live out their thoughts in complete safety and anonymity. This usually becomes the turning point, as natural dreams at night give way to daydreaming and mental projection of fantasies. It is upon the start of fantasizing that curiosity gives way to experimentation.

 

Whether it is fantasized about:

• Being dominated or dominating someone else,

• Risky encounters with strangers,

• Humiliation from being watched or watching others in compromising and demeaning situations,

• Rough sexual activities up to and including rape,

• Bondage or restraints, even to conceiving of a prison role,

• Violent acts, such as spanking, flogging, whipping or being hit.

 

These all take effect, and people will try to discover a little of themselves, and imagining or daydreaming about fetish activities gives way to trying to see if it is as they perceived.  The shift from mere fantasy to experience drives them to discover this with others they are socially or sexually attracted to or comfortable in regular activities.

 

Changes to One's Center

Exposure to lifestyle activities quickly challenges staid and boring relationships. Individuals often discover that the same things or activities do not entice the other party. They could also be so socially or culturally conditioned that they can't imagine functioning in the opposite capacity to what the initiator is interested in. This stress can occur independently, causing discomfort or a sense of non-fulfillment in the initiator, particularly if left unaddressed.  It can also make the respondent feel somewhat at a loss as to why the initiator would need the extra “spice” in the relationship.

 

Creativity Ignites

If it does happen, it can be euphoric as both discover things about themselves that add a creative spark to their lives. The progress is usually slow as the pair discovers more about themselves and progresses to varied or intense acts, usually with the encouragement of one or the other. Over time, these activities awakened something inside individuals that they had only ever daydreamed about before. The point at which it becomes a meaningful lifestyle, rather than a game, is when, instead of just having the body respond, the individual's mind reacts and anticipates the events. The result is that they are mentally, spiritually, physically and yes, even sexually turned on every time they engage in the scenes they only recently played out in their dreams.

 

Discovery is a Journey

The journey begins with discovering the items which engage you, and these will evolve. It is why interests often move out of step with partners, resulting in de-intensification brought on mostly by fear and concern over breaching the norms of sanity. Equally, an individual can discover stimulation beyond the act, and it was fun for a bit, but it does not “turn them on” like they thought. These individuals usually revert to a largely socially and culturally conventional lifestyle, only rarely “playing” at it. Even when it comes to punishment, empathy is needed. Many dominants' favourite ways to physically punish are with their bare hands.  The sting in hand allows them to share in the pain while maintaining the sensation of control. 

 

Exceptional Cases

There is a special case to consider; domination and sadism are not the same things.  A sadist will enjoy administering pain and humiliation with little or no regard for the sensation of their subjects. The recipients become mere meat, whereas dominants employ sadistic practices to fulfill the needs of their submissives (particularly masochistic ones). Ridiculous as it seems, a mere 100 years ago (less in some cultures), it was not only okay but expected to beat your wives, children, and girlfriends to keep them in line. Yet, a Dom may administer pain even though they want it to satisfy a submissive's needs.

 

Finding Freedom in Submission

Many relationships are challenged both at the beginning and in this phase. For whatever reason, the relationship will change, and sometimes they end. The changes will occur in a matter of a few weeks or even years. If one party suppresses their desire for a long period, once “free” from the constraints of a relationship, they tend to plunge quickly into a frenzy of intense activity. They seek a dominant or submissive to help them realize what they have been missing.

 

Continuously Drawn It

When a long-active person goes through a hiatus and withdraws from activities frequently, they often lose motivation and feel unfulfilled. Regardless of how one comes to fetishes, it is the acting on them and the desire to continue or extend the interactions based on them that make this a lifestyle choice. The only satisfying thing is how happy the partner is after engaging in rare acts. Invariably, the return to the lifestyle results in a more intense experience. Affection and emotional responses intensify, engagement becomes more meaningful, and the activities become more comforting, arguably justifying them.

 

Tolerance

As people become more comfortable with their fetishes and kinks, they become more tolerant of other people, even if they are not the same. The source of “Your kink is not my kink, but it is okay” derives from this willingness to accept differences.

 

Making it Meaningful

However, there comes a point where unrestricted unconstrained play lacks something. The need for protocols, rules, and structure starts to form as domination begins coming to the foreground. Essentially, the activities move from being just a kinky sexual “game” to a way of living. Now, there are boundaries and ways to interact with each other, and the possibility of opening yourself up to others, whether like-minded or not. As it no longer becomes a “naughty game,” it takes on the aspects of commitment and community.  Behaviour outside of fetish activities adopts the rules, structure, and rigour of those activities. No longer is someone only dominant or submissive in the bedroom, but abides by it as a part of daily life.

 

Objectification

In 90% of the cases, there is nothing to worry about in treating people as objects. Some individuals derive pleasure from being treated as an object, rather than being objectified. The tendency to take things for granted can become persistent, and the risk then is that objectification becomes the norm. When the dominant takes less interest or concern about the submissive's needs, then problems arise. It is when the lack of interest or concern for individuals becomes problematic. In this case, almost everyone with the lifestyle exhibits varying degrees of this behaviour, but most are aware it is not the end state.

 

A Need for Honesty

Because of the intense honesty and trust required to submit to another in many of the practices and situations within the lifestyle, it is a far more “sane” approach than many of the other practices followed by others. It is a fact that dominants are always painfully aware of what they do, and the ones who care are petrified that the submissive will leave. Besides, lifestyle enthusiasts "know" non-members are not the same and won’t accept fulfilling needs based on the darker side of human experience.

 

Acceptance

There is a quietness that settles on the spirit as the experiences are absorbed and the sense of guilt wanes. We begin to balance the ecstasy we feel with what we learn about social correctness. Reluctance to engage has nothing to do with anything else. It is at this point that we remember our mantra, "safe, sane and consensual." All of us in this lifestyle operate outside of what is:

• Vanilla norms

• Socially acceptable

• Conforming our actions to the "accepted" practices. 

 

You need to realize that there are as many people practicing deviant behaviour as there are those defining them. Society applies such labels to every single deviation, perversion, or thought that a differing group disagrees with, regardless of how small that group may be. Imagine the context of being viewed as a deviant cluster; this occurs today in ultra-orthodox communities, such as Christian or Muslim communities, conversely, being a Muslim or Christian in radicalized communities of the opposite faith.  It is a way of making it easier to control the "them" and somehow makes individuals feel a part of the "we."  Be proud of being non-conformist because conformity leads down far darker roads than non-conformity.

 

Sociopathy is Cultural, not Universal.

If people tell you lifestyle participants (even sadists) are incapable of true love, they are full of shit.  That is not the meaning of sociopathy; sociopaths form bonds in slightly different ways from others, but their bonds are as deep and meaningful. Their standards of behaviour do not conform to or fit the majority's view of social norms. Romance is extremely stylized and differs from culture to culture; being hung up on those factors would make everyone a sociopath to other cultural backgrounds.

 

Defining Sane

In this lifestyle, the practitioner defines SANE as keeping the connection between people real, honest, and consensual. Understanding and focusing on the needs, emotions, and the mental state of the partner, and ensuring that the outcome is consistent with everyone’s expectations.

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