Dark Castle - Sin 
BDSM Canada & Training

by Aramock Nanuck

      March 2025

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RAGE

The essence of a Dominant and a Submissive relationship is founded on TRUST and CONTROL. The dominant who cannot control their anger is not in control of themselves and should never attempt to prevent another individual. The underlying aspects of TRUST quickly evaporate with RAGE. Also, during some of the more intense activities within BDSM, serious harm can occur to others and oneself when RAGE subverts CONTROL. ​

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The contest between Doms and Dommes can be intense when managing conflict situations. This will undermine the image sharing of each other's position and right to the title of Dom. When this occurs in a near-public setting, it is further compounded by the audience losing respect for each participant, but more significantly, for the one who loses control of themselves. When challenges or competition between submissives occur and descend to the level of rage, this also has a negative impact, not only between the submissive and their Dom or Domme. If a physical competition (such as wrestling, etc) such RAGE can be injurious to the participants. 

 

Hence, it is generally accepted that uncontrolled anger, or RAGE, has no place in the BDSM lifestyle.

 

EFFECT -  A Relationship Destroyer

Uncontrollable anger or rage can severely divide individuals and damage relationships, sometimes irreparably. Rage is a corrosive sensation, whether one is the one delivering it or the one receiving it.

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Rage exhausts the individual and consumes the elements of patience and trust on both sides of the exchange. As trust starts to erode, it becomes increasingly difficult to avoid feelings of resentment, which inevitably lead to conflict. Rage also, at times, begets rage in the individual with whom it was virtually directed. The resulting conflicts can escalate when fed by” throwing oil on the fire.” The dammit spiral can equally lead to violence.

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Regardless of the level of intensity, compounded events of rage result in emotional distancing between the parties involved. The recipient feels a decreased level of intimacy and an emotional bond with the rage giver. The result is almost always a breakdown in the relationship, sometimes beyond the point of repair. Delving deeper into this situation, let’s examine the negative consequences of rage.

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CONSEQUENCES

The following are some of the effects, listed in the order in which they compound the negative impact.

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Communications Breakdown

The destructive nature of anger-driven communications makes it very difficult for the partners to express themselves effectively. As rage takes hold, the fight-or-flight sensations will fuel the rage further. Regardless, one or more partners will develop the sense or need to abandon further communication.

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Fight or Flight

Repeated sessions of rage tend to foster a fight-or-flight response in the recipient. The need to isolate oneself from emotionally damaging and heart-rending sensations pushes that individual to either protect themselves by retaliation or to separate themselves from the source.

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Fight

Over time, the need can generate harsh reactions in the recipient directed towards the protagonist to reverse the flow or have the other individual endure the same sensations as the original recipient. When faced with the flight reaction, the protagonist will feel challenged, which can also result in inheriting a fight-or-flight response to the escalating situation.

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Flight

Conversely, the recipient may wish to isolate themselves from further pain by disengaging from the Protagonist. As the sensation increases, the correlating need increases and the separation becomes more distant, interrupting the raging process each time a little quicker than the separation becomes longer. Ultimately, that separation will become permanent. In the case of flight, the protagonists will feel largely ignored and have their emotional self-worth undermined.

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Frequency

Uncontrolled rage tends to build in frequency and intensity. The increase in disagreement, which leads to arguments and subsequently escalates into rage by one of the parties, generates a toxic environment for the relationship. Ultimately, this results in a complete erosion of trust and interest, as well as a loss of emotional connection.

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Erosion of Trust

Recurring rages, frequent outbursts, and unpredictable anger form a problem that becomes self-fueling. This pattern can make the receiving individuals feel insecure, unsafe, and unloved. This combination of sensations undermines the recipient's sense of worth and, ultimately, trust in the protagonist. From here, the relationship typically begins a downward spiral and eventually dissolves.

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Decrease of Intimacy

The emotional distance created by rage, the fight-or-flight response, and the erosion of trust occur as a natural progression. Neither party will have the desire to “Kiss and Make,” let alone “make-up sex.” The triggers to anger become confused with the rage itself, and the natural avoidance of intimacy becomes part of the avoidance of a rage event occurring.

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 It becomes increasingly difficult for either party to rebuild a deep connection, particularly in the event of a loss of trust, as they no longer feel they are in a safe and stable relationship. Also, consent evaporates, intimacy becomes viewed by the raging party I’ve taken by right of force, and the respondent views it as invasive and compelled without respect.

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Resentment

The loss of trust upon the breakdown of communications and the resulting decrease in intimacy fosters a sense of disappointment. As the situation progresses, this disappointment will lead to resentment by both the protagonists and the recipient. This situation and emotional Crescendo of disappointment and resentment create a toxic environment in the relationship.

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Breakdown and Breakups

Time may heal all wounds, but the healing Results in a breakdown within the relationship. Often, the damage caused becomes irreparable, and the drama ultimately leads to the termination of the relationship. A continuous series of breakdowns drives the partners apart, eventually forcing one or both partners to view the only way to end the cycle as ending the relationship, and the breakup results. Worse yet, the breakup retains the toxicity of the relationship, pent-up anger perpetuates the rage, and the dissolution of the ties perpetuates the rage. In these circumstances, the likelihood of restoring the relationship is nearly impossible.

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REPAIRING THE DAMAGE

There are strategies available to repair the damage caused by rage before a breakup occurs. However, if left too long, the opportunity to repair the damage may be missed, and the breakup becomes unavoidable. To avoid this, Steps need to be taken to resolve the issues triggering the rage before it becomes too late.

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Positively Engage with Partners

When not in an enraged mode, it is imperative to communicate your attempt to manage the anger and the steps you plan to take with the individuals who are your known targets. This may leave the protagonist feeling vulnerable. The question is whether the relationship is worth saving.

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Recognizing Triggers

In a calm and quiet setting, take stock of the rage that occurred. It may be necessary to work with the party who is not part of the situation in which the rage occurred. Work through the circumstances of the occurrence. Focus on the thoughts and people who were present at the time and what the actual situation was, which first started the sensation of needing to rage.

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Take an objective look at the physical sensations aroused by the anger, such as tensing of muscles, raised voice,  dry mouth, increased heartbeat and clenched fists, and then focus on the situation and the physical phrases or actions brought on by the other parties or situations in which you found yourself.

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Recognizing your physical reaction at the start of a raging event and being able to use that to disengage, rather than triggering a rage, could be a basic coping mechanism. It will not succeed at first; this will take practice and patience on the part of yourself and the individual(s) to whom your rage is directed.

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Managing Anger

When a rage event is perceived as imminent, it is crucial to manage the emotions and subsequent actions. Understanding the triggers, as noted above, can help identify when such situations may arise. It may be necessary to use a counter trigger, such as a specific phrase or a single word, to remind yourself to calm down and regain control of your anger.

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If possible, disengage from this situation, effectively taking a time out. Walk away, find a quiet place, and compose yourself. This may be a simple exercise of counting to 10, taking deep breaths, closing your eyes, and focusing on what is important and what you ultimately want to achieve. As you feel the physical reaction to your anger, remove the stress and find a way to reduce the physical manifestations that lead up to a rage event.

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Focus on your surroundings. Use all your senses to identify and shift your focus away from the item, statement, or action that triggers your rage. Relax by finding a reference point or an object that you can hold to redirect and ground yourself in the present.

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Constructive Expression

The event situation that triggers the rage will likely still be present, so it is essential that it is addressed to alleviate the problem. If a person is triggering the event, find a way to communicate irrationally without the negative emotion that is causing the pain, upset, and emotional trigger that could result in your rage. It may be necessary to distance yourself from that individual and calmly compose a short note or a letter that explains the feelings you are having and the trigger of your rage. This approach is actually an optimal climb, as it allows you to go back, review, and rewrite the letter after a few minutes, so you can remove any bile or negativity from the prepared note. Sharing such a thing demonstrates an intent to improve not only your rage but also the relationship positively. It also shows that you’re willing to invest, correct, and work on improving that relationship. Even an overtly dominant person needs to be able to express remorse and apologize for their rage and reaction in a situation.

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Anger Management Support

Finally, managing one’s anger may not be something one can achieve on one's own. If daily life is adversely affected by the anger and rage you express, ask yourself if you wish to continue in this way. If not, there is no shame in seeking help or getting guidance on how to address it from individuals with experience, knowledge, and skills to make it a more manageable situation. Ultimately, depression or anxiety may be driving the anger, which results in rage; it is not unreasonable, therefore, to seek professional help in developing strategies and tools to help effectively manage the anger.

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