A Thinker's Guide to BDSM

by Aramock Nanuck

February 2007

Negotiations happen at the beginning to define the terms of reference, but once established, they form the boundaries within which a dominant would function. Typically, it is common to hear, "If I want you to have an opinion, I'll give it to you." The exception to this is in casual play or the inclusion of safewords.

Domination is Not Democracy

Top-down is always the flow of information, instruction, and direction. There are cases where bottom-up approaches occur, but we will address this phenomenon (Topping from the Bottom) in another article. The last thing this lifestyle would be is egalitarian and democratic.

Domination versus Mentoring

Alas, many dominants, as a result, are poor models in relating to being a mentor, as this aspect forces the opinion of the submissive to matter. A mentor is, in effect, a teacher and guide, but they do so also within the constraints of a traveller’s expected journey. Sadly, this is not as obvious as it should be, for there can be real joy in weaving through the jumble and the noise to figure the perceptions and desires of one’s protégé... a challenge, yes, but it should not scare a skilled dominant off.

Confusion is Natural

Emotions, intention, and confusion are natural, particularly for those who are unsure of themselves or unaware of their feelings. The direction taken exposes many risks, and the more intellect one has, the more this plays in the back of their mind. Only people who are completely naive or uneducated have no concept of the risks they may be placing themselves in as they venture into this lifestyle.

Irreverence is Healthy

It is equally important at times not to be overly serious or worried, and to laugh a little at yourself, at others (whether partners or not), and at the seriousness we sometimes place on the things that make up our existence; this is crucial for a healthy mind. We should not need to fan an ego with the flattery of false compliments or ritualistic responses. One thing about this lifestyle is that it is not for the shy (many enter it timidly to begin with), but as we join a community, we need to shed the self-consciousness of a private person.

Focus on Individuals, NOT Biases

It is easy for many to overlook the (particularly when looking at ourselves) latent submissive or dominant tendencies or personalities and attribute them to other factors. Often, the filter is influenced by personal bias, which can heighten the misinterpretation of a person's emphasis. When we shed our personal bias, the tendencies are clearly visible. We should never ignore the value of clarifying our understanding between individuals and of each other's needs and desires through honest, private, and meaningful communication. The exchange of information will yield insights into the reasons for our existence and prompt questioning about who we are and the roles we fulfill. As people make these furtive steps, they expect that life in a vanilla world will leave them feeling like something is missing.

Being Submissive and Respected

The choice a person makes to surrender their freedom and become a slave requires an avenue to escape back to life. A person only remains a slave while arresting their pride, prejudices, and desires to leave an otherwise meaningless vanilla existence behind.

Cherish and Value Submission

Real dominants do not devalue their "property" but cherish and, like a craftsman, maintain their tools, sharp, oiled and in perfect condition. If you need a serious leader to guide you, please let me know. If you want to experience a fetish event as my guest and not a slave, then the safety I offer you is shelter. And, of course, this was still a safe place to raise your questions in any language.