Avoiding Abuse

by Aramock Nanuck

Mar 2004

This may appear as a strange topic for a lifestyle that has Pain and Punishment as one of its main cornerstones, but it is fundamental to know the differences between consensual play and abuse. The difference is well explained, as the elements of activities that involve those acts are consensual (mutually agreed upon) and are conducted in a safe and sane manner. Some wish for the end of the experiences, and for those, this may not apply. But for those who want to have a sense of

Security, then this is your guide.

Warning Signs

They claim to have trained dozens or hundreds of submissives in the past but will not provide references.

They seem to exaggerate their experiences or claim expertise in everything.

Claim to be worldly but are shocked by or overreact to suggestions that appear at the various extremes.

Does not let you interact with others in the lifestyle community, dominants or other submissive individuals, etc. Frequently, they refuse to participate in munches and gatherings.

May want you never to leave their home or abode, any social contact with "vanilla" people.

Never provides you with an exit strategy.

Healthy Signs

BDSM encompasses a broad range of relationships, from vanilla to social and lifestyle, which can be fluidly balanced, allowing you to interact at all these levels within guidelines set for practical and reasonable situations.

Does not lie about partners and can provide your contact information if you ask for people of various types (dominants, submissives, slaves or even "vanilla servants"), which will give references.

An individual who clearly states their limits and subjects they are not interested in, or items where their experiences are lacking. This may not so much be a matter of experience as much as their preferences, "Your kink is not My Kink, but it is Okay" attitudes.

Can clearly demonstrate experience before any scene to give you comfort, and will not press you to the scene if you are unsure or not interested.

Privacy and Dignity

It is perfectly fine if you close a door when on the toilet, naked or only wearing underwear or writing into a diary in private. Yet a Dom has the consensual right to interrupt your dignity, self-respect, and pride; this is not abusive but an extension of control.

Be aware that these items require establishing boundaries within a structured agreement of conduct. Ultimately, this agreement determines the rights to interrupt any activity, walk in on you at any time or place, or insist on unannounced and irregular inspections.

Furthermore, this humiliation is accompanied by another aspect of this lifestyle. Defining the times when other lifestyle members can be around when such acts or activities are in progress must be included in any definition of limits. Nothing is off-limits regarding you as far as I am concerned. Any privacy you have beyond what is agreed upon should be viewed as a gift and a privilege which can be taken away at any moment. That even the most intimate parts of your body will be considered for the Dom's viewing pleasure, or to access and use. Beyond the agreement, they decide what is proper. Keep in mind that the agreement alone is the custodian of your privacy and dignity.