Dark Castle - Sin 
BDSM Canada & Training

by Aramock Nanuck

      March 2007

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Over the years, I have received several queries in this forum about BDSM or one or more of the components: bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. My reason for starting this thread is to discuss BDSM practices and techniques for those interested in knowing more, especially those who wish to experiment with this type of activity. In this initial post, I shall present basic definitions and guidelines. I imagine that the thread will eventually expand beyond the basics of BDSM. 

 

Honest Communications and Trust at the Core

Before trying any of these things for the first time, discuss them with your partner. Many people are afraid to expose themselves as "perverts" to their partners or anyone, but often, not your partner is willing to experiment. Most developed countries have tried or are eager to try light bondage, spanking or mild S&M at least once.

 

Remember -

• These practices should only occur between consenting adults capable of making informed decisions.

• Look for web tutorials, buy relevant books or find your local BDSM community educational events dedicated to your interests.

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What is kink?

I have always said that kink is any sexual practice outside the usual practice of an individual, a couple, or a society. A kink is an intense bend or twist in a wire, cable or filament. Human sexuality defines a "kink" as a "twist" in the interests they have and the activities in which they engage. Therefore, kinky people are considered "twisted" by mainstream society. I prefer to think that when we talk about activities between consenting adults, kink is a good thing as it keeps the attraction alive.  We need to be aware, however, that all personal interpretations of kinky may vary. What seems extremely kinky for one person may be usual for another.

 

BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym that seems to have first appeared in the late 1980s or early 1990s, coinciding with the advent of public internet access. It is a combination of two earlier sets of initials: B&D (Bondage and Discipline) and S&M (Sadism and Masochism). Any BDSM activity should only occur between consenting adult human beings!

 

BD- Core to Lifestyle

Bondage and Discipline occur in all forms of lifestyle activity. The difference is in the latter. Some individuals are merely into pain, the giving or receiving of it. The individuals vary from casual gamers to those with very mild to severe lifestyle commitments.

 

Bondage

Society typically defines this as the practice of confining or restricting a person's movement with metal, leather, or other bonds, or by binding the person with a rope or other wrapped material, such as scarves or tape, or by being tied. Many people have their first bondage experience using scarves, neckties, pantyhose or other garments to bind or be bound. Others go out and buy bondage cuffs of leather or PVC, Velcro restraints or soft bondage rope. Real police or military handcuffs are not recommended for use. Bondage can be steel bondage that includes chains, shackles, and cages; it can be device bondage with stocks and other "torture devices" or rope bondage. 

 

Rope bondage can be Damsel in Distress style bondage based on the old detective and cowboy novels in which a vulnerable woman is taken captive, and her partner plays the role of captor or hero or both. If the captive is a male, it might be called a Dude in Distress bondage; there, in either case, this is referred to as DID. This style lends itself to role-playing, as you can see. 

 

Shibaru or ikinbaku-bi (Japanese style bondage) is a sort of spiritual bonding in which both partners take an erotic journey together along the pathway of rope or nawa-do. Shibaru is gaining popularity as a roleplay scenario, but most serious practitioners treat it as an art form.

 

Discipline

It occurs in a role-play scenario where one person holds authority and the other is subordinate to them. Discipline typically occurs when a subordinate commits an act of insubordination or misbehaves and requires correction. Discipline can take the form of "corporal punishment," such as spanking, paddling, or whipping. It might be a task such as cleaning the oven, going shopping while wearing no panties, or even performing a sexual service. Some popular discipline scenarios involve Teacher/student, Boss/employee, Parent/child, Police/criminal, and Master-Mistress/slave. There are many instances in which Discipline is combined with Bondage.

 

Sadism and Masochism

You cannot have one without the other... Typically abbreviated S&M, SM or S/m. 

• Sadism in the lifestyle is used for sexual arousal and experiencing more intense orgasms by inflicting "pain." 

• Masochism is the act of becoming aroused and experiencing more intense orgasms through the pain.

 

The person who likes to serve up the pain is called a sadist, and the one who enjoys receiving pain is called a masochist. The term sadism is based on the 18th-century French aristocratic libertine author Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, whose literary works were filled with shocking sexual practices and acts of cruelty. An alternative name for the practice of S&M or the enjoyment of pain is algolagnia. 

 

Masochism comes from Leopold Sacher-Masoch, a 19th-century Austrian aristocrat whose Venus in Furs is autobiographically based on his methods of gaining sexual fulfillment from a dominant woman domtrix with whom he entered into a contract with him as a slave and her as his cruel mistress. 

 

Some living the S&M lifestyle now eschew the terms sadist and masochist because of the bad press this enjoyable kink has received in the past and because sadism, masochism, bondage and discipline practices have been included in several editions of various dictionaries but typically have a very negative connotation in vanilla (puritanical and socially compliant) society.

 

Building Relationships

The interactions between a submissive and a dominant person in all aspects of a human relationship form the foundation of this lifestyle. The "slave" voluntarily and consensually gives up their free will to another, the "Master," to create a stable, safe and worry-free existence.

 

Slaves versus Submissives

Many times, slaves come from very poor or threatening existences. They want protection from their masters, and classic is those who wish to escape extreme poverty, war or other equally terrifying situations. Others use it to further their education or take advantage of opportunities that would not be available in their normal lives. My experience shows that most slaves evolved into total surrender (or Total Power Exchange), starting with submissive desires, tendencies, and activities. Others (in the minority) are comfortable and safe in their day-to-day lives but are stressed by their burdensome professional lives and seek refuge in being free from making decisions in their private lives. Many people (mostly the game players) view this as solely sexual. In lifestyle members, it is far more complex and overarching. There are usually very detailed and specific agreements that govern life in the "home." 

 

Individuals who lead professional, high-profile, or celebrity public lives often develop a clear delineation between their private and public lives. This process takes time and requires establishing trust that the dominant party will create a contract that is appropriate and effective. Many agreements have fixed terms, others include specific exit clauses, and some are open-ended.

 

In a lifestyle situation, many factors come into play, down to appearance, communication, forms of address, and even the disposition of children. All cases have clear guidelines for sexual, disciplinary and domestic arrangements. Think of it as a prenuptial agreement on steroids. No two contracts are the same, but all usually start with the same tenant. My base contract is 40 pages long; I have had ones as short as five pages and as long as 80 pages. A lawyer vets all and can be deemed enforceable. Many have specific appendices tuned to the items listed above, and I always start with a Generic form for each engagement.

 

Is BSDM a Mental Illness?

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or simply DSM, is used by the American Psychiatric Association. Since 1994, the APA has backed away from classifying people who practice BDSM as mentally ill; now, it is generally referred to as social NON-CONFORMISTS. 

 

Impact Play

Some favourite activities of S&M people are impact-play with whips, paddles, canes, and other kinds of "corporal punishment devices"; fire-play with dripping hot wax, or alcohol fuel tips, etc.; contortion-play with clamps on nipples, genitals and other body parts; "humiliation"; cutting-play with scalpels, sharpies, needles, piercing devices, etc. and any number of different activities which stimulate the nerve endings. 

 

While the idea of using a bullwhip, flogger (scourge), or paddle on another human being or having such an implement used on oneself may sound terrible, the fact is that the blows are often little more than light caresses given with implements made of suede, rabbit skin, or other soft materials. The terrifying aspect of play is the sound of the devices (whips, crops, etc.) in flight, more than the actual impact.

 

Safe Play

For beginners, whichever of these activities you decide to try, it is recommended that you follow the first rule of the worldwide BDSM community (yes, we have a community called "the Scene"). That rule is "Safe, Sane and Consensual." Let's begin with consensual. This means that all activities involve live, mentally sound, legally adult human beings who knowingly and willfully consent to participate in such activities. 

 

"Safe" is a word that may seem debatable when discussing practices such as suspending someone from a rope, whipping someone with a bullwhip, or other similar activities. Be aware of the potential dangers in any situation, know how to eliminate or minimize them, and understand how to react in the event of a worst-case scenario. People who work with ropes always have safety shears within a split second's reach, for example. Sane is, again, a debatable word, it would seem. If the risk seems too high, they don't do it.

 

I would rather take my risks having wax dripped on me as foreplay or having sex while skydiving rather than appearing on an episode of Jackass.

 

Unacceptable Activities

Necrophile, zoophilia or bestiality, pedophilia, dolcetta and real-life abductions or forcing people to participate or even tricking people unknowingly into activities, are not acceptable. This is what constitutes the line between informed consent and willful abuse. BDSM is not about abuse.

 

Players

People who regularly engage in BDSM activities often refer to what they do as a game and are deemed players. The person who runs the scene, does the binding, administers the discipline or inflicts the "pain" is usually called a Top. The person on the receiving end is traditionally referred to as the bottom. These are words the BDSM community has borrowed from the Gay community. Other terms used in Bondage are Rigger, Rope Artist Captor or Rope Top for the Top and rope bottom, rope slut, and nawa-juju for the bottom. People who specialize in spanking are called spankos, the Tops often being Daddy/Mommy, Sir/Madame or Professor, the Bottoms being girl/boy or boi, or baby-girl. Other people prefer to refer to themselves or be addressed as Master, Mistress, or slave.

 

An advanced form of role-playing is known as domination and submission, abbreviated as D/S, D/s, or Ds. Some people prefer to perform only one role: top/Dominant or bottom/submissive. In D/s, the top is called a Dominant, and the bottom is called a submissive. Female Dominants usually prefer Domme. It is complicated to precisely define D/s, as no two people seem to agree about what exactly it is. It is frequently called the "mental side of BDSM," and the fact that it is a personal emotional understanding of one's role and one's relationship with a partner makes it so difficult to define in comparison to B&D or S&M, which are definable activities. Most serious D/S individuals will argue that it is not role-play, as stated above, but is very real.

 

A person who enjoys both topping (being dominant) and bottoming (being dominated) is called a switch.
 

Safe Words

As you can see, there are many possibilities for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism to overlap. In many cases involving role-play, a safe word might be recommended. Since a naughty underling might be yelling "No, stop, please stop!" as part of the scene being played, it might need a code word understood by both players. It should be a word that would never have any context in the scene being played. "Ocean" is a good word because it can be understood even if a person is gagged. The most common safe word is red, which means stop. When the safe word is uttered, everything comes to a halt; that's it, game over. There is a sticky message about safe words on this forum.