Collaring

by Aramock Nanuck

July 1977

Long-term dominants are frequently asked to advise on or explain collaring, the ceremony and the significance of this activity in the BDSM community. As with most aspects of this lifestyle, there are extremes and varying degrees of importance placed upon this act, particularly in the distinction between one-on-one and polyamorous situations.

Rituals Define Relationships

Unlike casual players in the lifestyle, those who truly live it find it to be deep and spiritual. Rituals surrounding the “collaring ceremony” lend credence to its importance. Many individuals have participated in numerous events, and each has had a real meaning. Some couple this activity with munches to allow for a community to share the experience. From a lifestyle perspective, in all cases, the Dominant commits to protecting, nurturing, and, most importantly, controlling their partner in a considerate and respectful manner. While romantic emotions often evolve within these relationships, they are usually not the primary intent. However, emotional bonding is essential if any relationship is to flourish.

The Collar

A collar is the physical representation of one's submission to another, and the offering of a collar denotes a commitment by the dominant with whom they are entering a relationship. The issuing or acceptance of collars has a very emotional, social, and near-spiritual overtone because it is a manifestation of the bonding. Individuals often draw similarities between collars and wedding rings, as well as the associated ceremonies in the vanilla world. However, significant differences do exist, particularly in non-monogamous relationships.

Picking the Right Collar

Selecting an appropriate collar is almost as important as the event itself, and it is the sole duty of the dominant. The submissive should have NO say in this, as it is the physical representation of their surrendering decision-making to their dominant. It must be representative of the relationship and something which a submissive will wear with pride. In many cases, the provision of collars is based on their type and purpose.

There are “play” or “training” collars that are very suitable for activities within the “dungeon” or in casual settings. A leather or pet collar is good for these purposes and provides a means to express the roles. However, these may not always be appropriate in a public setting. There may be a social stigma against such public displays. A more symbolic collar is more relevant in these cases, such as a velveteen choker with an icon or fetish symbol denoting the submissive as such, or even a jewelry type with a locking clasp. It is typical to order these specifically for the submissive from one of the fetish jewelry sites, and the first time the submissive sees it is at the collaring ceremony.

The Offer

Essentially, in offering a collar, a dominant is making a statement of being prepared, eager, and desiring to be responsible for the care, nurturing, training, and development of a submissive for a long-term relationship. The concept of a “play collar” is like a weekend marriage, which makes it justified to fuck, but no real commitment beyond that. Many people living this life are opposed to it, as it is an antithesis to everything adherents hold dear.

One of the other major differences between collaring and marriage is that collaring is a series of progressive steps, rather than an absolute commitment like marriage. Many submissives enter into the lifestyle uncertain of themselves, their interest or long-term desires. So collaring follows many patterns associated with that. Essentially, there are steps of progression as with most professional relationships.

Ceremonies

As many live a poly lifestyle, these rituals can include two or more dominants during the ceremony. The concept of "only being able to serve one master" results in only one ever taking the vows with the submissive. Coupling ceremonies to issuing the contract with which the parties are committing, and should clearly be a major part of the ceremony, even to announcing aloud the intent and terms of the commitment.

The activities around finalizing a contract are very much like the vows before placing the ring on the betrothed’s finger. As with all ceremonies, they have far more meaning when performed in the presence of witnesses who can attest to the commitment made and when done with complete free will on the part of all parties.

Adding Formality

The ceremony can be led by a third party, typically another dominant from the fetish community. The ritual begins with the call of those present to attend and bear witness to the event. The leader then asks if the submissive freely and of their own volition, without duress, enter into this relationship. The leader then asks if the dominant accepts the gift of submission from the supplicant. At this point, the terms and major details of the commitment are read aloud, and the parties are asked again if they accept the terms before the witnesses present. This is where ceremony and ritual physically add significance to the celebration.

Rituals

Often, the submissive is adorned with a simple cloth or sheer outfit, so while not totally nude, they hide nothing from their dominant or the audience. By agreement beforehand, they can disrobe or remain clothed.

The submissive is asked to kneel before the audience, and they are dominant. The recipient is then asked to supplicate themselves before their dominant, usually by assuming the position of the slaver’s kiss. The recipient is then instructed to kiss the feet of their dominant.

The dominator then hands the submissive a ritualistic whip; the submissive then strikes the dominator's buttocks three times. “Your punishment serves notice of your service and represents the commitment I make to your development,” is stated by the dominant.

The dominant then takes the submissive by the shoulders and assists them to the nadu. The submissive then states, “All I am is yours, all I desire is to serve, and seek is your protection.”

The dominant takes the collar and holds it high above his head, revealing it to the audience, stating, “This collar denotes my commitment to you and signifies my ownership and acceptance of your gift of service.” The dominant places it on the neck of the submissive and states, “My property declared for all to realize.”

Those entering a poly situation are now formally introduced to their slave-siblings and the rest of the household.

Experience, Roles, and Effect

The emotional effect is powerful, if somewhat campy, but it usually helps cement the bond between a submissive and a dominant. Many dominants typically have a feast afterward and then begin an evening of fetish events with their submissive. This party atmosphere is akin to that of a wedding reception.

Each person finds their way of doing this, but this ritual is important if they wish to add meaning to the event.

The Novice

The past 40+ years have been living this reality, and we discover that over a 1/3 of the submissives find for themselves that they are not able or willing to make the transition into true “slavery.” Usually unsure of themselves, the submissive’s intent is to find a safe and sane way to explore this existence and realize their potential. Submitting to the collar, they surrender only a part of themselves to their dominance for this discovery.

The novice is uncertain, yet wishes to explore and have the guidance of a dominant figure, such as a mentor, sage, or guide, into the lifestyle. They seek to find themselves and their nature. A simple ceremony essentially formalizes the commitment to learn, as it helps the novice discover their true nature.

The submissive realizes their active “vanilla” life conflicts, and they are not ready to surrender. They may well be married or have family, college, or work commitments, making it impractical to be more permanent. The dominant also accepts and may offer terms that allow for the commitment to occur.

The Adherent (Supplicant)

Adherents are those people who are aware of the lifestyle and understand their roles and responsibilities. In many cases, certain limits or restrictions prevent people from having 24/7 interaction. Again, work or family conditions prevail. The adherent, however, expects that all interactions regarding their lifestyle are conducted within the confines of their commitment to each other and governed by their association.

Unlike a marriage, they are not forsaking all others; instead, they engage with others only within the clear boundaries of their relationship. Suppose a married person decides to enter a relationship with someone in BDSM, knowing full well that the dominant party has the final say over all matters regarding their relationship. Having married slaves typically requires permitting the submissive continued sexual relations with their partner, but certain prohibited acts are exclusively the dominant's right. Some dominants only allow submissives to have sex with their spouses if they first ask permission.

The Slave

A person can say a lot here, but a sincere slave lives and is a constant part of the dominant’s household. The commitment to care and nurture the slave is the dominant responsibility, and all aspects of their lives are controlled by the dominant.

Protocol and Living the Life

Submissives must wear their collars at all times in their dominants' presence, unless instructed to remove them, and in many cases, they wear them in public. The casual observer or vanilla passerby will not know the significance. Still, all those in the lifestyle are aware of the symbols and the meanings associated with such items. It may seem counterintuitive, but it is even more important with novices. A novice chooses a dominant for their “protection” first and foremost. The collar warns others not to interfere with the submissive, as to do so is one of the most significant breaches of protocol in our lifestyle. A collar allows a novice to attend munches or public events without constantly fending off unwanted attention.

Many people may treat collaring as informal; those who savour the lifestyle are of a different mind. The ceremony should be formal and have a significant ritual or pomp to lend meaning to the tradition. Many fellows reason that it should be an event to be remembered and cherished by the submissive and have an emotional or near-spiritual value to it. They typically invite other friends and associates in the fetish community to participate. It is important to plan a fetish event and social around it, as this, after all, borrows from the concepts of a vanilla wedding.

Others take a different approach, as is their right to decide such things for themselves.