Choosing Lifestyle Partners

by Aramock Nanuck

      November 1993

Frequently people become engaged with individuals who fail to measure up. The proliferation of fakes, scammers, and wannabes has caused no end of heartache for severe individuals in this lifestyle. Many people have posted their warnings or tagged individuals to warn others. However, the red flags abound perhaps rather than focusing on the negative, focus on the positive.  Look at those items which help define the individuals worthy of one’s attention. These are the items that came to mind and have been the factors by which many measure a right partner.



At the core of any relationship is knowing that a person can rely on the information shared. The abject lies are easy to catch; it is the white lies that are the most telling and hardest to expose. Individuals valuing honesty usually have no time for deception and will also not deceive others. This standard makes being caught in a lie the basis of breaking any relationship. The least tolerant of deceits are also the most likely to adhere to the terms and conditions of an agreement. These individuals value character more than saving a little face.



Practitioners do not base this lifestyle on morals, so individuals must maintain a set of codes of conduct and principles by which they act and govern their relationships. Everyone should keep those principles regardless of the things happening in their life. Their relationships and commitment to the principles become core to the agreements they form and allow integrity even when counter to personal benefit.  Establishing the terms and conditions following is a part of building acceptance. A clear sign of this the willingness to apologize rather than makes excuses when things go wrong. Another is that regardless of the individual's role, the individual accepts accountability for mistakes and does not deflect blame to others.



At the core of this lifestyle is the relationship between the parties. Trust is the basis on which it takes time to develop and constant reinforcement. There is a pattern of getting to know each other, sharing information, and understanding each other’s needs supported by the willingness to earn each other’s trust.



Knowing that a person will respond in and act according to a pattern which is agreed and, in a manner, meaningful to both. The relationship members must accept that their commitments to be available at specific times and on a reoccurring basis are essential to the continued development of a relationship. Without regular activity, communications are another factor necessary to maintain interest and respect the needs of each other. 



We are all flawed creatures regardless of the role portrayed. Each needs to demonstrate patience with the others involved. Getting to know someone is essential to building trust, a willingness to take time to understand and know each other will make activities much more meaningful for all parties. The focus should be on developing a rapport long before engaging in physical activities. There are exceptions to this, but they are usually driven by the primal needs of both parties, not by demands of one over the other.



The lifestyle activities can place a strain on any trust relationships. On top of honest is an essential need to explain things in a manner that all parties can understand.  Clear communications establish limits both hard (won’t do) and soft (subject to intensity and interest at the time. Vetting both a dominant or a submissive is essential that each is willing to explain the reasoning and intent. It’s a core element of building and nurturing trust. Not every time for everything does someone need to define what will happen, and during a scene, it is almost impossible to maintain a rhythm and interrupt proceedings for explanations. However, establish ground rules beforehand are essential.  Nor does a dominant owe the submissive a reason for every order. There is a give and take, particularly patience is needed with communicating with submissives needing support.

Focus and Self-Control

The best dominants are always very focused and controlled in and of themselves as they are of the individuals they direct. IT is almost a level of cold calculation that allows them to behave rationally while pushing the boundaries of accepted social activities. A compelling dominant never shouts and screams but retains a calm and demure voice to make sure their instructions are clearly understood. There is no anger or rage in them. This mindset allows them to avoid crises and react quickly on rare occasions when they occur. Equally, a submissive must focus on their role and obedience because of constant challenges while fun at times is dangerous at others. A good example is bondage, suspension, and asphyxiation activity. All of these can have undesired results if not observing apparent safety protocols.  When the submissive fails to do something like forget to use honorifics, the punishment is meted out by clear notice; this is the correction, discipline, and training, NOT anger.



No one is perfect, and no structure is absolute over time. It evolves. Individuals in this lifestyle will develop with it growing in one or more directions as collect experience. Both dominant and submissive need to have sufficient humility to understand joint activity and mission, where one cannot proceed without the other. Everyone will make mistakes; it is the willingness to accept mistakes and learn from them that is the mark of a truly mature person. Each will change their behaviours over time based on new information, and how they grow as individuals is very telling.


The Other Party is Real and Essential

A romance is not usually the basis of the relationship but has many of the factors necessary for one and, in some ways, more demanding even than they are. At the core of the relationship is respect.  Learning about each other is essential to make all the parties real and multidimensional rather than just a cut-out impression. There will be things other than sessions r events to fill the hours, so each should express an interest in the hobbies, activities and daily items which matter to each other. These are all things a typical love interest would. It is probably good to know about each other’s education and identify if someone enjoys specific acts or scared of others.


Dominant’s Desire to Lead

Dominants need to be leaders, take charge of no-nonsense type individuals. They crave power in many things and rarely surrender it to others. They will make decisions efficiently, stand by them and act upon them without wavering. Simple choices like what to wear, eat, watch or activities to perform all come quickly. This leadership spills over into their ability to control people. Frequently they are dominant forces in their work, and with many outside the lifestyle, which makes control inside the lifestyles easy. Dominants will have no trouble choosing a movie, deciding where to eat, or telling you which dress he likes best. He enjoys when you respond positively to his decisions, and while he never pushes his opinions on you when you have no formal relationship, he is quick to offer them when you ask.


Submissive Desire to Obey

The flip side of the coin is the ease at which a submissive surrenders decision making to the Dominant, shining a light on their ability to take instruction, follow through and has an almost freeing sensation as they surrender not only the decision but the responsibility for the decision to their dominant. It is the part of the equations which makes the relationship sympatico.