by Aramock Nanuck

      November 1993

​

Often, people become engaged with individuals who fail to meet their expectations. The proliferation of fakes, scammers, and wannabes has caused no end of heartache for severe individuals in this lifestyle. Many people have posted their warnings or tagged individuals to warn others. However, the red flags abound. Rather than focusing on the negative, focus on the positive.  Look at those items which help define the individuals worthy of one’s attention. These are the items that came to mind and have been the factors by which many measure the right partner.

 

Consistency

Knowing that a person will respond to and act according to a pattern that is agreed upon and in a manner meaningful to both. Members must accept that their commitments to be available at specific times and on a recurring basis are essential to the continued development of a relationship. Without regular activity, communication is another factor necessary to maintain interest and respect each other's needs. 

 

Patience

We are all flawed creatures, regardless of the roles we portray. Each needs to demonstrate patience with the others involved. Getting to know someone is essential to building trust. A willingness to take the time to understand and get to know each other will make activities much more meaningful for all parties. The focus should be on developing a rapport long before engaging in physical activities. There are exceptions to this, but they are typically driven by the fundamental needs of both parties, rather than the demands of one over the other.

 

Communicative

Lifestyle activities can strain any trust relationships. In addition to honesty, there is a crucial need to explain things in a manner that all parties can understand.  Clear communications establish limits, both hard (won’t do) and soft (subject to intensity and interest at the time. Vetting both a dominant and a submissive is essential that each is willing to explain the reasoning and intent. It’s a core element of building and nurturing trust. Not every time for everything does someone need to define what will happen, and during a scene, it is almost impossible to maintain a rhythm and interrupt proceedings for explanations. However, establishing ground rules beforehand is essential.  Nor does a dominant owe the submissive a reason for every order. There is a give-and-take, particularly in terms of patience, which is needed when communicating with submissives who require support.

​

Principles

Practitioners do not base this lifestyle on morals, so individuals must maintain a set of codes of conduct and principles by which they act and govern their relationships. Everyone should uphold those principles regardless of what is happening in their life. Their relationships and commitment to the tenets become core to the agreements they form, allowing them to maintain integrity even when it is counter to their benefit.  Establishing the following terms and conditions is a part of building acceptance. A clear sign of this is the willingness to apologize rather than make excuses when things go wrong. Another is that regardless of the individual's role, they accept accountability for mistakes and do not deflect blame onto others.

​

Honesty

At the core of any relationship is the understanding that a person can trust the information shared. The abject lies are easy to catch; the white lies are the most telling and hardest to expose. Individuals who value honesty typically have no tolerance for deception and refrain from engaging in it themselves. This standard makes being caught in a lie the basis of breaking any relationship. The least tolerant of deceits are also the most likely to adhere to the terms and conditions of an agreement. These individuals value character more than saving a little face.

​

Trust

At the core of this lifestyle is the relationship between the parties. Trust is the basis on which it takes time to develop and requires constant reinforcement. There is a pattern of getting to know each other, sharing information, and understanding each other’s needs, supported by the willingness to earn each other’s trust. Once broken, trust is very difficult to rebuild.  It is not merely a matter of forgiveness, but of overcoming the breach and reestablishing the basis for containment.

​

Focus and Self-Control

The best dominants are always very focused and controlled, both in themselves and in the individuals they direct. It is almost a level of cold calculation that allows them to behave rationally while pushing the boundaries of accepted social activities. A compelling leader never shouts or screams, but maintains a calm and composed voice to ensure their instructions are clearly understood. There is no anger or rage in them. This mindset enables them to avoid crises and respond quickly when they do occur. Equally, submissives must focus on their role and obedience due to the constant challenges, as fun can be dangerous to others at times. A good example is bondage, suspension, and asphyxiation activity. All of these can have undesired results if no apparent safety protocols are observed.  When the submissive fails to do something, such as forgetting to use honorifics, the punishment is meted out through clear notice; this is the correction, discipline, and training, not anger.

 

Adaptability

No one is perfect, and no structure is absolute over time. It evolves. Individuals in this lifestyle will develop with it, growing in one or more directions as they collect experience. Both the dominant and the submissive need to have sufficient humility to understand the joint activity and mission, where one cannot proceed without the other. Everyone will make mistakes; it is the willingness to accept mistakes and learn from them that is the mark of a truly mature person. Each will change their behaviours over time based on new information, and how they grow as individuals is very telling.

 

The Other Party is Real and Essential

A romance may or may not be the basis of a fetish relationship, but it has many of the factors necessary for one and, in some ways, more demanding even than they are. At the core of the relationship is respect.  Learning about each other is essential to make all the parties real and multidimensional rather than just a cut-out impression. There will be things other than sessions or events to fill the hours, so each should express an interest in the hobbies, activities and daily items which matter to each other. These are all things a typical love interest would. It is probably good to know about each other’s education and identify if someone enjoys specific acts or is scared of others.

 

Dominant’s Desire to Lead

Dominants need to be leaders and take charge of individuals who are no-nonsense types. They crave power in many things and rarely surrender it to others. They will make decisions efficiently, stand by them and act upon them without wavering. Simple choices, such as what to wear, eat, watch, or do, all come quickly. This leadership spills over into their ability to control people. Frequently, they are dominant forces in their work, and with many outside the lifestyle, which makes control inside the lifestyle easy. Dominants will have no trouble choosing a movie, deciding where to eat, or telling you which dress they like best. They enjoy it when you respond positively to their decisions, and while they may never push their opinions on you when you have no formal relationship, he is quick to offer them when you ask.

 

Submissive Desire to Obey

The flip side of the coin is the ease with which a submissive surrenders decision-making to the Dominant, highlighting their ability to take instruction, follow through, and experience a nearly freeing sensation as they surrender not only the decision but also the responsibility for it to their Dominant. It is the part of the equations that makes the relationship sympatico.

 

Consistency

Knowing that a person will respond to and act according to a pattern that is agreed upon and in a manner meaningful to both. Members must accept that their commitments to be available at specific times and on a recurring basis are essential to the continued development of a relationship. Without regular activity, communication is another factor necessary to maintain interest and respect each other's needs. 

 

Patience

We are all flawed creatures, regardless of the roles we portray. Each needs to demonstrate patience with the others involved. Getting to know someone is essential to building trust. A willingness to take the time to understand and get to know each other will make activities much more meaningful for all parties. The focus should be on developing a rapport long before engaging in physical activities. There are exceptions to this, but they are typically driven by the fundamental needs of both parties, rather than the demands of one over the other.

 

Communicative

Lifestyle activities can strain any trust relationships. In addition to honesty, there is a crucial need to explain things in a manner that all parties can understand.  Clear communications establish limits, both hard (won’t do) and soft (subject to intensity and interest at the time. Vetting both a dominant and a submissive is essential that each is willing to explain the reasoning and intent. It’s a core element of building and nurturing trust. Not every time for everything does someone need to define what will happen, and during a scene, it is almost impossible to maintain a rhythm and interrupt proceedings for explanations. However, establishing ground rules beforehand is essential.  Nor does a dominant owe the submissive a reason for every order. There is a give-and-take, particularly in terms of patience, which is needed when communicating with submissives who require support.

​

Principles

Practitioners do not base this lifestyle on morals, so individuals must maintain a set of codes of conduct and principles by which they act and govern their relationships. Everyone should uphold those principles regardless of what is happening in their life. Their relationships and commitment to the tenets become core to the agreements they form, allowing them to maintain integrity even when it is counter to their benefit.  Establishing the following terms and conditions is a part of building acceptance. A clear sign of this is the willingness to apologize rather than make excuses when things go wrong. Another is that regardless of the individual's role, they accept accountability for mistakes and do not deflect blame onto others.

​

Honesty

At the core of any relationship is the understanding that a person can trust the information shared. The abject lies are easy to catch; the white lies are the most telling and hardest to expose. Individuals who value honesty typically have no tolerance for deception and will not engage in it themselves. This standard makes being caught in a lie the basis of breaking any relationship. The least tolerant of deceits are also the most likely to adhere to the terms and conditions of an agreement. These individuals value character more than saving a little face.

​

Trust

At the core of this lifestyle is the relationship between the parties. Trust is the basis on which it takes time to develop and requires constant reinforcement. There is a pattern of getting to know each other, sharing information, and understanding each other’s needs, supported by the willingness to earn each other’s trust. Once broken, trust is very difficult to rebuild.  It is not merely a matter of forgiveness, but of overcoming the breach and reestablishing the basis for containment.

​

Focus and Self-Control

The best dominants are always very focused and controlled, both in themselves and in the individuals they direct. It is almost a level of cold calculation that allows them to behave rationally while pushing the boundaries of accepted social activities. A compelling leader never shouts or screams, but maintains a calm and composed voice to ensure their instructions are clearly understood. There is no anger or rage in them. This mindset enables them to avoid crises and respond quickly when they do occur. Equally, submissives must focus on their role and obedience due to the constant challenges, as fun can be dangerous to others at times. A good example is bondage, suspension, and asphyxiation activity. All of these can have undesired results if no apparent safety protocols are observed.  When the submissive fails to do something, such as forgetting to use honorifics, the punishment is meted out through clear notice; this is the correction, discipline, and training, not anger.

 

Adaptability

No one is perfect, and no structure is absolute over time. It evolves. Individuals in this lifestyle will develop with it, growing in one or more directions as they collect experience. Both the dominant and the submissive need to have sufficient humility to understand the joint activity and mission, where one cannot proceed without the other. Everyone will make mistakes; it is the willingness to accept mistakes and learn from them that is the mark of a truly mature person. Each will change their behaviours over time based on new information, and how they grow as individuals is very telling.

 

Reality is Essential

A romance may or may not be the basis of a fetish relationship, but it has many of the factors necessary for one and, in some ways, more demanding even than they are. At the core of the relationship is respect.  Learning about each other is essential to make all the parties real and multidimensional rather than just a cut-out impression. There will be things other than sessions or events to fill the hours, so each should express an interest in the hobbies, activities and daily items which matter to each other. These are all things a typical love interest would. It is probably good to know about each other’s education and identify if someone enjoys specific acts or is scared of others.

​

Recovery

Once the trust is broken, decisions must be made about whether the attempt to recover the relationship is worth the effort or merely a prelude to further disappointment. Decide if you wish to still speak with the other party; doing so demonstrates a willingness to overlook the past and work towards rebuilding the relationship. If you plan to do so, erase all previous exchanges, texts, and images, both physical and mental. Park the conversations of the past, and leave them there.  However, forgiveness implies forgetting... and no one ever forgets, but need not dwell on the past. Just act to move past the disappointment as you start over with yourself. Do not rehash the past; doing so only inflames the emotions surrounding the loss of trust and creates a barrier to restoration. Restart the dialogue, build new connections, but do so with a more reserved approach, allowing for a meaningful relationship.

​

Dominant’s Desire to Lead

Dominants need to be leaders and take charge of individuals who are no-nonsense types. They crave power in many things and rarely surrender it to others. They will make decisions efficiently, stand by them and act upon them without wavering. Simple choices, such as what to wear, eat, watch, or do, all come quickly. This leadership spills over into their ability to control people. Frequently, they are dominant forces in their work, and with many outside the lifestyle, which makes control inside the lifestyle easy. Dominants will have no trouble choosing a movie, deciding where to eat, or telling you which dress they like best. They enjoy it when you respond positively to their decisions, and while they may never push their opinions on you when you have no formal relationship, he is quick to offer them when you ask.

 

Submissive Desire to Obey

The flip side of the coin is the ease with which a submissive surrenders decision-making to the Dominant, highlighting their ability to take instruction, follow through, and experience a nearly freeing sensation as they surrender not only the decision but also the responsibility for it to their Dominant. It is the part of the equations that makes the relationship sympatico.