The 5 Rs of a

BDSM relationship

By Aramock Nanuck

     March 2011


Why Structure

I am convinced that good lifestyle relationships need to incorporate a potent mix of things: how dominant manages their relationships and keeps it interesting for the submissives. A roughly smooth blend of Ritual, Routine Randomness (the unexpected), Recording and Reacting is essential to prime the relationship.


There is a level of protocols required in a robust hierarchical association. Rituals provide a framework upon which to manage the protocols and provide context. Practices offer a formal definition of situations and the measurable purpose of the actions, attitudes and bearing of the person performing the relevant acts. The key to rituals they are specific to a defined situation and are repeated every time this situation occurs. The repetition reinforces in the mind and soul of the submissive their duty and responsibilities.

The establishment of rituals reinforces the power distance and role of designed to bolster the submissive respect to the Dominant. Respect is the operative word, for adhering to the conventions validates the respect a submissive has for their "Master/Mistress." A ritual often carries strong symbolism and formal; or structured communication styles that imprint all present, either participants or observers. The goal is to elevate the Dominant to a place of control emotionally, mentally and logically. For thousands of years, religions, rulers, and modern-day politics all reinforce the power distance.

Example a submissive who:

  • Assumes the Nadu and waits then kiss their Dominant's foot is an incredibly significant act of submission.

  • Kneeling at the entrance and waiting for the Dominant when expecting them to arrive home demonstrates the enthusiasm for their Dominant in the way a pet dog shows unrestrained affection.

  • Preparing a bath or shower and lathering, cleaning and rinsing the owner with each morning or evening as a ritual provides a definite article of submission

  • Even stroking a Dominant's genitals while they watch others is a ritual of preparing them for another without jealousy, showing the submissive is an object with no claim but a desire for the Dominant's satisfaction.

  • Walking behind the Dominant, head down, one pace behind, to the left and oblivious to the traffic or activities about shows the focus you have to the Dominant.

  • Standing patiently when the Dominant sits unless instructed else wise, palms overlapping chest out, shoulder straight demonstrates your pride at being an object of attention to your owner and willing to be displayed for others to appreciate his property.


Rituals have a robust mental connection and, through repetition, push the submissive deeper into servitude. At the same time, elevate the individual to a higher status in the sub's mind. Those new to rituals may find them to be strange and awkward at first.

However, I would encourage you to give them a try. You may laugh and giggle at first, but the ritual takes on a severe and almost spiritual tone over time. Rituals are a powerful tool for affecting a subs mental state over the long term.


The submissive should comply with routines as the day-to-day tasks and expectations to be measured service more manageable.  The ability to schedule and plan regular items and activities is essential to remove the confusion from the relationship. It also provides a virtually self-monitoring structure or easily tested for compliance, thereby making the dominant managing of their submissives easier. Routines also schedule rituals whereby the submissive knows what to expect and do, making it easier to comply and reach performance expectations. The goal is to plan the schedule and establish the expectation of the level of compliance, so the submissive carries out the tasks automatically.

Examples include schedule times to:

  • Do the domestic choirs

    • Arising ½ hour before the Dominant to

      • Make freshly brewed coffee each morning before the Dominant awake

      • Layout clothes for the Dominant to wear

      • Prepare the bath/shower (see Rituals)

    • Wash dishes within 15 minutes of the Dominant completing a meal unless it is a party or festival event.

    • Cleaning the car at a specific time,

    • If  the submissive chauffeurs, then

      • Always maintain the fuel above the Dominant's expert level (in my case, never drops below ¼ tank)

      • Organize regular servicing every quarter to alieve Dominant of task

      • Planning other services when the Dominant is busy at work or other activities.

    • And keeping her car filled with gas. For the Female, this makes life a little easier because Her only involvement is to motivate or discipline then if failing duties and praise her for doing excellent compliance with the routines.


Such routines make compliance extremely easy, and posting the schedule ensures the submissive exercises provide a structure the makes him feel controlled and meaningful. Many submissives take comfort in performing a menial non-sexual task because it makes them feel a part of the broader life of their Dominant. Those who work outside the house and have "power positions" look for the release to not decide, not think, and merely do; thereby relieving their work stress almost like a switch that changes their mindset and mode instantly. While tiring, they then return to work the next day, fully invigorated know that release is only hours away when they can again slip comfortably back into a "dolly" mode.


It usually the value of the unexpected and random occurrences which strike the most significant chord with submissive. Randomness adds variety and the sense of wonderment as to "what is next"  in the relationship.  Randomness does not affect the roles, or power distance or even the status of the participants but avoids the sameness of daily life. It is also the most important for a Dominant not to become dependent on "old habits or activities"  but spice up their interactions. The major challenge for Dominants with randomness is the ability to organize new ideas and activities. Taking broad experiences drawn from the past allows the submissive to know things they:

  • Never would expect.

  • Or truly enjoy but rarely experience.

  • Or those activities which challenge and push their limits.


Hence randomness is the most energy-demanding of any of these for the Dominant. It, however, is the most crucial to keep a submissive coming back for more. Neglecting randomness is a typical cause for dissatisfaction among submissive and why many leave a Dominant. Tying new things or even mixing old favourites or pushing boundaries in new and creative ways probably show the seriousness of the Dominant to the fulfilment of the submissive.

For the Submissive, it strengthens the necessity to comply regardless of the ask. Rituals and routines add the framework for 40-50% of the daily activities, while randomness fills the remaining 20-30% of the waking day. This mix ensures that the Rituals and Routines never of themselves become staid and boring.

Overdoing anything is also a problem. Too much variety and the submissive does not know where to focus. Small additions rather than wholesale changes keep the structure and comfort for the submissive while still providing excitement. Some of the simplest to change are deportment rules such as:

  • Instruct the submissive to wear a bra or panties when leaving or as a part of the household adornment when being without is normal.

  • Depending on the norm introduce to changes to sleeping, such as:

    • Naked or

    • Clothed

    • On the:

      • Floor

      • A rug, or

      • Furniture

    • With or without a blanket and pillow.

  • On an outing, allow the submissive to sit first, followed by the Dominant in a fancy public restaurant, club or café.

  • Instead of controlling orgasms, letting them freely have an orgasm as they wish is one of the most liberating. But then snatching it away shows renewed Dominance.

Changing a specific ritual for one month or introducing a new quarterly also adds to the flavour of the definition not only newness but demonstrates that even routines can be changed by the Dominant so relying on the sameness is not a certainty. It also compels them to learn a new ritual well and immediately expect performance measures to achieve expectations.


The ability to record compliance is a significant aspect of how to help define certain activities. During evaluation periods, conducting this daily, weekly, monthly or quarterly. The Demerit systems are the best method to record compliance. Literally, with every observed effect, issue the demerit points.  Anything that meets expectations should have no demerits. Anything which exceeds expectations needs to have the ability to reduce demerits, and far exceeding or failing should multiply the effect.

The demerits should then manage the level of degree of punishment or rewards associated. In a live-in or term-based situation, doing the reviews weekly, monthly and quarterly. The analysis may affect the decision of activities to inject for randomness, so very critical to the overall management of the relationship. The decision on the valuation and response is always the Dominants and needs following immediately with the reaction.


Reactions are the critical element for completeness and particularly in maintaining a Dominant's authority. I believe that any deliberate slights, insults or abject failure to perform needs immediate reaction and punishment. Metering out regularly to enforce compliance and encourage differences in behaviour. Incorporate this into the Ritual nature of these activities and the routines a submissive expects, such as "10 pm on Thursday is punishment night and on Tuesday night is rewards night." Even though recoding and reaction are the smallest of areas discussed, NEVER leave them out, thereby providing consistency to the frameworks, a Dominant establishes.